CHUBBY BELLA

I FUCKING HATE BEING FAT! That is all.

Are you a current fatty??? Former fatty?? or wannabe fatty?? would you like to be interviewed for my little piece of the internet? Because I would love to interview you… you can be anonymous if you’d like!!!

OK so my Facebook and Twitter are bombarded by nothing but monotanous rantings about 90 Day Challenges. I am feeling the pressure to conform and do my own, but I am holding true to myself and not giving in to the marketing pressure, of what seems like everyone around me, is pushing on me. 

Do I want to be healthier in 2012? NO! Shut up and leave me alone!

Do I want to have more energy? Seriously stop asking me these questions, of course I don’t.

Do I want to lose weight fast and easily? NO! I want to lose it slowly and very painfully full of failures and low self esteem days.

Do I want to make money on the side selling this shit? OK now seriously fuck off. You are not pushing your pyramid scheme on me. I see what you are doing, tricky tricky.

Then there is the matter of who to buy it from…do you buy it from the person who told you about it first? Your best friend who got suckered into it too? The person you know who could really use the extra money? Your Nan, who read about it on Facebook and is now selling it as well? Your pastor, priest or rabbi who wants you to know that God loves Body by Vi and buying it from him will secure your spot in heaven (and 72 virgins if you happen to be Muslim)?

For me there are several pros and cons about this Visalus (sounds like a Erectile Dysfunction drug btw) product.

PROS:

I would be jumping on the super cool bandwagon with all the other sheep!

I would finally stop getting people to ask me buy it because I already own it.

I could possibly lose some of the extra weight I have been carrying around.

I could sell it on the side like a crack dealer and make extra money.

And lastly, I like that “Body by Vi” reminds of “Body Break” and who doesn’t need them a little Hal Johnson in their life… PARTICIPACTION!!!!

CONS:

It costs like $90 a month.

I have to drink things in shake form (ew).

I have to eat healthy meals when I am not drinking chalk shakes in order for it to work.

I become a pusher and people complain about me behind my back.

I end up with a bad batch and contract the Hanta Virus and die a horrible death by shitting myself to death. (note to self, stop watching x-files til 3 in the morning you are becoming paranoid)

I give in to peer pressure which as a young girl I was told to NEVER give in to peer pressure. 

So, what is a chubby girl to do? Do I buy or not? Perhaps I will let you decide for me…. do I give in??????

Having back tits. No one should ever have back tits, yet I saw a picture of myself today from last April and I definitely have back tits. UGH!

I am currently at the dentist and while I sit here waiting for my cleaning to start all I can think is how bad food is going to taste afterwards. But then I realize, who am I kidding I am going to eat til I’m sick whether it tastes good or not.

So here is list of New Years Resolutions (AR= actual resolutions) that Fatties make. And a list of the ones that are more realistic (RR= realistic resolutions).

AR#1- I resolve to be skinnier in the New Year

RR#1- I resolve to putting off being skinny for another year

AR#2- I resolve to eat healthy in the New Year

RR#2- I resolve to eat copious amounts of unhealthy food in the New Year and feel shitty about myself for doing it

AR#3- I resolve to exercise more in the New Year

RR#3- I resolve to get/renew a gym membership that I will use infrequently if ever. 

AR#4- I resolve to love myself more for who I am in the New Year

RR#4- I resolve to compare myself to every person who walks by and try to figure out if I am skinnier/fatter than they are and then subsequently judge myself based on that.

AR#5- I resolve to fit into my skinny clothes again

RR#5- I resolve to add to my “skinny clothes” collection with the clothes I fit into but probably won’t come June or July due to resolution #1

I have made many of these resolutions in the past and am sure I will make many more this year. The kicker- telling yourself that “this year will be different”… all I have to say to that one is Bullshit my dear Bullshit!

Blog updating sucks huge asses! Extra so when you are chubby and lazy and would rather eat Mike and Ike’s then “exercise” with your fingers and type a blog. But since so many of you are actually reading and enjoying this then HELLO 2012!!!! 

And so it begins….

Who wants to bet I gain 25 pounds this year instead of losing the 75 I would like to…. I would bet my left tit that is what happens.

Before telling the story I would like to point out, this happened to me over 4 years ago and almost 50 lbs skinnier…I am trying on jeans at American Eagle (back when I was a size 12) and I was trying on a size 14. They wouldn’t even go up past my knees so I asked a lovely prepubescent skinny teenage bitch if they had them in a bigger size. She answers: “Sorry we don’t carry anything bigger than that here, I think they carry your kind of sizing at Pennington’s, you might want to try there”. 

The first sports bra was fashioned out of 2 jock straps! Those would have to be 2 awfully large jock straps to hold down my girls.